Last week I had enough of asking signs. Why? Because I ask signs for the person I loved. And you know what's the answer? I must forget my feelings for my bsplit. Don't ask me how I got the answer for me its a very big deal.  I cried a lot for that and if God gave that answer I should obey it so now I am making resolutions in order to forget my bsplit. I really dont know what to do and it came to a point for me to call one of my friend which is Irish just for me to talk with. She wants to cry with me but she dont want to so I have to force myself not to cry. Actually I dont want her to notice that Im already crying but it came out with the sound of my voice and she told me that it is obvious that Im crying. So I burst into tears and told her about what Im feeling that time.

I told her that I really love my bsplit so much and I can't let go because I dont want to. It breaks my heart thinking about those things. As for me I didnt know what to do should I follow the sign or should I follow what my heart is telling me. Should I love that person and hurt myself more or should I end this misery?

Right now! I made a decision which I don't know if I can do it. I decided to follow the signs and keep in my mind that we are not meant for each other maybe those signs are real that they have a purpose in my life maybe its for me to suffer less than to suffer for the rest of my life.

Maybe somewhere out there is a place where I can find the other half of my heart.

Its been decades since I updated my blog hahaha. Not that I am exaggerating but I do feel like it. Im actual;ly enjoying my vacation even if its kinda short im still making out the best of it. My schedule for enrollment will be tomorrow and I have to wake up very early for me to be the first on line hehehe.

Hope my friends are doing fine today. I got very high grades for this term and this is a very big accomplishment fr me hahaha. I got over INTSDEV and I was able to get a very high grade hahaha. I really want to enjoy my sem break so guys sorry if I can't keep in touch.

Thats the title of my background music. Well reminds me of my second year hahaha. Our "Florante at Laura" theme song. I was very young then hehehe. So much of the past, now Im goin to start a new beginning. A new life, new chapter. Wish me good luck guys!

Hope to get over that person soon. I just want to thank all the people who were with me all the way. I am so lucky to have them. Right now I need to be busy making grades (I have to study harder and I have to catch up or else never mind.

Once again, Thanks guys for inspiring me to be free from my dark past. I wont mention you anymore because you already knew who you are, the people who took part to make me realize that life is fun and life is everything.

To all the people who are out there just like me hope my entries helps you.

Lets all start at the beginning!

I had enough of overnights and paperworks as well as defense for the last two weeks. I had to rush some of the papers to meet the deadline and right now Im just enjoying myself of not thinking about anything else. Although, Im already finish with my defense which happened last Wednesday and became very busy with my projects and defense. I still think of my bsplit and I think I have the same feelings for my bsplit. I can not erase my bsplit from my mind it. Thinking that I am going to forget what Im feeling for my bsplit kills me and makes me feel like its the end of the world. Maybe to finish this up I should not talk to my bsplit anymore and put a gap between us. I really want to talk to my bsplit about this matter but I cant because my bsplit is too busy, I dont want to disturb my bsplit anymore. I am just a pain in the neck for my bsplit and I really think Im just worthless for my bsplit.

It is not self pity or Im not putting my self in the situation that is not true but I do believe that Im just a piece of junk for my bsplit because my bsplit doesnt deserve me. Why cant I forget my bsplit? I know that this is a problem which I need to cope with but you know what I want I just want to sleep and when I wake up I already forget my bsplit. Wish that is very easy as what I want it to be but I can not skip those stages which I dont really want to go through. If I could just erase a part of my memory it would be the part that I have seen the face of my bsplit. It was the day when my bsplit and I cross each other. I really wish my bsplit will be able to read this so that I will not have difficulties of telling my bsplit what I truly feel.

I am really talking nonsense here. I really know that!

Dear Bsplit

I dont know where to start but I guess this is the right time to stop. Im giving up kasi alam ko wala ka naman feelings for me. Hindi kasi tama in a sense na nasasaktan na ko. Im afraid na masaktan pa ng husto. Minsan yung sweetness mo akala ko you have feelings for me din. Ang saya-saya ko kapag sweet ka sakin in a point na mali na yung pinaggagagawa ko. Minsan when you tell me your stories about H***** nasasaktan ako pero tinitiis ko yun para mailabas mo lahat ng sama ng loob mo sakin at para gumaan loob mo. Maybe I havent sacrifice enough for you kasi minsan lang tayo mag-usap, Sorry for that. You know? Mahal na mahal kita at gagawin ko lahat-lahat mapasaya lang kita kahit na di mo ako mahal, I dont care basta ang gusto ko maging maligaya ka. Its been six years or more nung nagsimulang mahalin kita. Kahit pa naging kami ni V******* at A*** ikaw pa rin ang nasa isip at puso ko, ikaw pa rin ang mahal ko.

Mahal na mahal kita pero hanggang dito na lang ako kasi masakit na eh di ko na kaya. Pero di naman ako lalayo I just have to end this feelings that Im feeling for you. Its not fair sau kasi na nasasaktan mo ko ng di mo naman alam. You will be in my heart no matter what happen, ikaw pa rin ang nagiisang banana split ko. Pero Im giving up because I dont see a future of us together. I dont deserve a person like you because you are moret than the most precious thing in this world for me.

I really wish I had the courage to tell you this. Sorry dahil mali inaakala ko sayo, Sorry for expecting too much. You will still stay here in my heart for the rest of my life.

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

We may just be friends from now on but I will never forget that you had been a great inspiration for me. Thak you for being there to make me smile and Thanks for all the happiness you have given me.

Sorry,

But I will never fall in love with you again.

Love,
Your Bsplit

Well, I have decided to give up on A****. I think this is the right time to focus for myself not that I hate ( ) already or Im being selfish but I want to move on. I should be plain for now than go waiting for just a waste. I am letting A**** go because I am giving up that is what I have said to Ate Nitz and she told me that there is a difference between the two. It is really difficult to give out positive vibes while cooking that is why the food I had cooked was salty according to my mom and my sister. I went home thinking like I didnt care of what will happened to me. I really look stupid going home a while ago. I am really stupid! Stupid enough to pursue the person who does not loved me from the very start. Think its lame, well it is because I became ambitious, ambitious enough to think that the person feels the same way that I am feeling for ( ).

I think this is painful than the usual thing that happen to others like being rejected by someone. I have done so many stupid things just to gain ( ) attention so many that this blog is not enough to cover up those things. I have sacrifice a lot but its not worth it.

There were two people texting me this night Ate Nitz and Mj. Mj told me to give up if it is not worth it and not to be martyr (Or should I call it TANGA, sorry for the term guys). Ate Nitz told me about the difference of letting go and giving up. She told me that giving up because there is no love for me at all and letting go because there was love but it can never be. I know that my situation is very different from the others (very different indeed). I am aware that no one will be serious to me because I am JUST August. Then I ask her what am I doing, Is it giving up or letting go. She told me that it is letting go but for me it really sounds giving up. Irish told me that I am lucky with A**** because ( ) not like the others who will took advantage of me. I am really confused. I always encourage myself not to fail and do the best I can than doing nothing and just blame myself for it but now I really cant decide what to do.

I was about to connect to the net but then A**** called up to great me Happy Birthday (accidentally () was the last person great me that day). I cant control myself but to sound really awful that time. I text Ate Nitz and ask her what to do? She is telling me to talk to ()
about it but I can't because I have open a topic which I really cant take. I really cant tell him because I dont want () to know that I am hurt while () is not aware that () is hurting me. I also told Ate Nitz about it she told me that I really loved him so muchbecause I care with () welfare.

That is why,

I decided to give up now. Give up and end this insanity, this illusion.

I was so happy for I have my own flash drive last monday. I was so happy to have an MP3 player with expandable memory and with a speaker as well. I really enjoy the adget that was recommended by my friend Kuya Marc.

Aside from being so happy with my new gadget on the back of my mind I was so uneasy because I will not be able to treat my friends in my birthday. And the fact that I have not accompanied Ate Nitz to go home this past few days because of my projects and activities.

But when I saw her awhile ago in the open lab she handed me a pink paper. I know that it is a letter and then she told me "Pasensya na ito lang gift ko sau" (I really don't like big gifts anyway. All I want is something to treasure which can be kept for life). She want me to read the letter and I read the first part I was so happy to read that. Then I decided to save it later and kept on reading some of extra words written on the paper not the content of the letter of course. Then I left them in the open lab and read again the letter.

I really love the content of the letter to tell you guys honestly it is the first letter who include a very nice appreciation line that made me important. It made me feel I have meaning in this world that even if I'm JUST AUGUST, I can be as big as whatever can be.

What more can I say? I really want to write here the letter (sorry for bein selfish) but I really dont like.

It is jut for ME....

I was very inspired yesterday because my crush texted me. I was really surprise. It was unexpected, usually when we text each other we can't reply right away because of our conflict schedule. But yesterday was really different. My crush did reply to my text telling me that "Good Morning. I'm already late" then I told my crush to be careful. I told my crush that () is not calling me "Bsplit" anymore (short for bananasplit). () reply to my text he shouted "Wah" and told me that "You are my only bsplit" and wish me luck to what I'm going to do that day. My heart really pump with joy knowing that somehow () cares for me (or is it that I'm just hoping) anyways I still don't care I really loved that person.

I was able to talk to *** last Wednesday I guess. I was so happy that I gain connection with ***. I was able to express again everything that I'm feeling for ***. I was so very happy even if I got so many humiliations in the rest of the day I was able to regain them while talking to ***. I am really really happy and I really felt my heart burst with happiness. ** also talk to me in Japanese so I decide to study Japanese as well. I am really up into it and I'm a sort of inspired doing the use case diagram I was task to complete. The second day had put me into insanity. I was really pressured by all the requirements that our client had given us but still just to keep me sane I remember the night before that and still my strength were still regained. Two days of going home wet. Men, I always forgot to bring an umbrella and whenever I go home the rain really gets me soaking wet. Whenever I get home I take a bath quickly and it really makes me dizzy for a little bit but its okay. I just wish I won't get sick because of this.

I have nothing to accomplish right now just finished updating my blog. I was about to start on our documentation but I decided to do it tomorrow instead. Right now? I'm just being sentimental listening to midis like eyes on me (something to relate myself with). Anyways, I didn't expect *** to call me (since I was the one calling ***). I don't want to wait anymore. Come what may! Let things happen whether on my way or not. I do't want to control my fate anymore it seems as if I lose hope and I lose the courage to fight for myself thinking that I would act like being a selfish person.

I realized it was my fault of asking something that is not for me. Always want to make things happen like what I wanted them. All my friends are right, some things are meant to happen I just have to deal with them and ot control what should happen next.

I admit it I lose maybe I have to find someone else or maybe I should stop this madness.

What will you do if your on my place?

Would you still pursue on what your are feeling?

or

Would you stop this kind of desperation?